Disarming Jealousy in Couples Relationships: A Multidimensional Approach

Jealousy is a powerful emotional force in couples’ relationships. In just seconds it can turn love into rage and tenderness into acts of control, intimidation, and even suicide or murder. Yet it has been surprisingly neglected in the couples therapy field. In this paper we define jealousy broadly as a hub of contradictory feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions, and consider how it can range from a normative predicament to extreme obsessive manifestations. We ground jealousy in couples’ basic relational tasks and utilize the construct of the vulnerability cycle to describe processes of derailment. We offer guidelines on how to contain the couple’s escalation, disarm their ineffective strategies and power struggles, identify underlying vulnerabilities and yearnings, and distinguish meanings that belong to the present from those that belong to the past, or to other contexts. The goal is to facilitate relational and personal changes that can yield a better fit between the partners’ expectations.